You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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