Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
