I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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