it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
