how can u be prego again
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
