I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
