I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
