Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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