I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
