just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
