And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
