Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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