remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Need sex. Gaining weight.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
