I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
