I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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