So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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