did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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