Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
