I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
