drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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