She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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