Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
