thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
