he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
