doug butabi!
steve butabi!
hotties wanna shake it
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
