There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
