Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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