They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
