Can Purell be used as lube?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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