I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
