I just pynch a tree in the face
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
