i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
P.S. I can't hear my feet
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
