You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You were trust falling into bushes
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
