the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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