if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Randomize
