I need to stop coming to work sober
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
