At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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