Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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