Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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