i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
