Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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