I hate all girls vehemently.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
