apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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