I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
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I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
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You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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