Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
