just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
We are two peas in an std pod
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
