Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
