He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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