I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
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I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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