I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
