my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
