My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We are all done wearing pants today
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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