I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
