I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
