Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
