in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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