no, he came in my armpit
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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