It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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